Season Finale of My Romance Drama?

At least, that’s what I think. Let me tell you why.

Hi, I am a regular woman aged 27 who still lives with my family, works as a copywriter at a fancy local startup, collects vans, reads love poems daily, but never really falls in love and stays in it for more than a year.

Living a life surrounded by happy married couples does not really motivate me to find a long-time partner. The idea of being in love, then having to keep a commitment, seem very odd yet beautiful to me. But, to actually build one, seems like a long journey that I believe would not just magically happen, at least in the next 5 years.

Then how did my love life look like as a young adult? You know, swiped here and there, went on random dates, said yes to toxic relationships, got my heart broken, then repeat. This lifestyle, honestly, got me trapped into the idea of letting go easily, accepting the fact that nothing lasts forever and if it doesn’t work out, walk away. Easy. Too easy. For instance, somebody breaks my heart tonight, I would definitely cry all over my pillows and bolster, then the next morning my bumble profile would be updated, and I’d be up and ready to swipe, and let the serial dating begin again. Fun.

Typing this feels really weird, I might say. Did not expect my love life would sound as shallow and meaningless as it does right now. But that is my life, written by my own conscious yet reckless decisions, then became a never-ending sequel of romantic melodrama.

But honestly, I see where this came from. Growing up in an ideal family, with a mom, a dad, and an older brother, probably was the reason I believe in love. My dad is a beautiful personification of love, loyalty, and affection. He treated my mom very dearly, with a deep honesty, unconditionally. Taking care of my mom was not an easy task for us, especially for him. My mom was sick for at least 15 years before she passed away, 6 years ago. It obviously took extra efforts for him to simply just stay, show up, pay bills, and do practical actions to make sure she got the best medication and treatments, always. Even until this second I type these words, his wedding ring solidly sticks on his finger, forever.

Love is very real in my eyes, which makes me proud enough to declare my understanding in how to be a great lover, how to continuously maintain love, and how to be happy in a healthy relationship. But, on the other hand, I also understand how awful a heartbreak could be. Letting go of my mom, without any goodbye, without any second chance, without any apology, with nothing but thousand bags of regret, was a destructive experience that painfully taught me to let go. I, then learn this concept of life that I did not know before: we could never choose anyone to stay, to leave, or to come back. We could only let it be. Yes unfortunately, I learned my lesson in a hard way. Well thankfully, it worked though.

Since then, I would not force anyone to stay a little longer, to think again then change their mind, or to try a little harder instead of leaving easily. I let them decide, then I let myself learn, be better, and try again. But, at the same time, I know the exact kind of love I am looking for, and would definitely walk away as soon as I could not find it in the person I am developing my feelings with.

These 2 factors are a strange principal to live by, honestly. To crave a beautiful eternal love, while also having a strong skill in letting go and moving on. This has transformed me into a heartless, selfish, yet a loving human being. Yes, it is possible and yes it is exhausting, to start again while quietly guessing where it will end. If only I could choose, I would not let myself be like who I am today, really, I would rather be a crazy manipulative player or an old-fashioned lover who lives her simple boring life.

But guess what? Life keeps surprising me with its unexpected plot twists, and this time, seems like we are reaching the season finale of that romantic melodrama. In this part, I am starting to see the light of hope, to smell the scent of bloomed feelings, and to design a beautiful bouquet of promises. The idea of being in love with the same person for the rest of my life, is starting to make sense. And the thought of spending forever with such a beautiful human being, is starting to sound doable.

Let’s just say, I think I have fallen a little too deep to eventually continue my serial dating career. I mean, all those little details of every dates with this one exact person, have left strong marks in my tiny fragile heart. From our midnight conversations of what ifs, our rants of how stupid and mindless people could be, our sitting-on-the-bench-while-starring-at-the-skies, our one-hour conversation in the parked car then sealed with a see-you-soon hug, our waterfall and off-road adventures, our drunk confessions and offended questions, our dinners that I could never finish, to our fights and apologies.

But this is new to me, that willingness to analyze, learn, and understand someone without being afraid of having to forget them one day, that letting things fall into its place while also developing myself into the ideal fit, that “it’s okay” then actually acknowledge the reasons and accept it full-heartedly, and many other actions I did not imagine I would do to a lover-to-be. So strange, yet exciting and wonderful. As a plot twist and a game changer, I am still in doubts, indeed.

What if this, turns out, is not the season finale? What if this hopeful part of the story only leads to another plot twist? What if this is just another life lesson of letting go? What if the idea of love that I always believe in, does not exist anymore? What if this is a phase to transform me into a better person?

Well, whatever this is and wherever this might end, I would just let it be. Yes, I am letting my life writes its unexpected script and twists it as messy as it could be. All I really know, the idea of giving up looking for better options and settling down with this beautiful soul, is real and feels amazing. This season, obviously, is my favorite and I am enjoying every bit of it.

Nevertheless, this is my chance to show the love I know since I was a kid, the unconditional one, full of honesty and warmth. Even if this could not last forever, I would still believe in love and would be super ready when the season is finally ending, sooner or later, with this beautiful soul or another.